...that I had this blog. I guess I just don't care that much, since I know all of like 2 people read it, lol, but it's always nice to have an outlet for my thoughts that isn't limited to a specific character limit.
So, update on my life since April. Got a job! And it's cool, my co-workers are awesome, my boss is really cool. The work itself...meh, not so challenging, but it pays the bills (almost).
However, after years of having like no issues with my health other than random headaches and weird things on my eyes (don't ask), all of a sudden I have like horrible allergies, some kind of acid-reflux that causes me to cough/spit up phlegm all throughout the day, and diabetes. To be fair, I was like 95% sure that I'd get diabetes eventually, what with being fucking ginormous and not giving a shit what I ate for the most part, but it still kinda sucks. Especially that it all hit at once in the space of like, 2 months. I blame the rest on the 100+ yr old building that I work in that's probably filled with mold and dust and the stupid guinea pig that my sister basically forced on my bro/me that we were all allergic to. I'm pretty sure my reaction to that basically jump-started a chain reaction of my body rebelling against my wishes.
Anyway...on a less bitchy note, I've basically quit FFXI. I canceled Shadowkat's account as well as all 5 of my mules - the only thing active is Thanopstru, but I've logged on all of once (last night) in the past two months and should probably cancel that too. It wasn't even like a real decision to quit, really. Was more like I just had less and less time to devote to it (work is 45mins+ away, leave at 7 & get home at 6) and eventually even less desire to make the time to try. At one point I left myself online for a week without ever tabbing to the screen... and finally I just logged off and didn't log back on again. It's kind of sad, but I guess I just really don't care about it anymore. I miss talking to my friends, which is why my account is still active (so I can log on and chat, not that I ever do), but I just don't really have any goals in game and so no point in playing.
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Time for some introspection. Is it weird that I resist working out not because I don't want to...but because I resent the implication that I only do so because I was diagnosed with diabetes? Why can't I work out just because I want to? Not because I feel like I have to, or because my family, my doctor, my friends, want me to... Or not even because of the expectation that once you receive a bad diagnosis, you immediately try to fix it. I guess I'm kind of contrary, although nobody (that I can remember) has ever told me that I'm stubborn or contrary... if anything, I give in too easily and too often.
It's kind of like when someone tells me a joke or some kind of shocking story and then looks at me expectantly...and I completely blow them off or just say nothing. It's not that the anecdote isn't funny/shocking/whatever, I just resent the fact that they expect this reaction from me and so I should respond as expected...so I don't. Or when my doctor told me my diagnosis and was trying to be all comforting/nice, as if she expected me to burst into tears - and in response I just smiled/shrugged, nodded and said I was fine. I was actually really pissed off that she was trying to evoke some kind of reaction from me - I just wanted her to leave me the fuck alone. I guess I was kind of upset, but not enough to display emotion publicly!
And now I want to lose weight because I'm kind of tired of being fat and I want to be able to shop in normal stores and actually find shit that fits rather than only shopping at the only two stores that carry a variety of fat people clothes - one which is kind of fuddy-duddy and old for my tastes and the other too gothy/young/fun. I don't even know what my style is because I've been so limited in my choices! At this point I just grab whatever off the shelf that fits and doesn't make me look too much like a huge ugly fat-ass. But now I've gone off on a tangent...
The fact that I have diabetes is somewhat of a contributing factor I guess, but I really resent how people seem to think - Oh, you got diabetes? that must be why ur exercising/eating healthy/whatever. Granted, I'm eating differently because having diabetes limits my diet to some extent, but that has nothing to do with my desire to lose weight. In fact, I don't really see a reason to change my diet at all beyond what I have already done - I've held steady at the same weight for like three years, so if I add in exercise, I should lose weight at least a little bit.
I guess...I just resent the idea that diabetes must somehow define me and all my decisions from the time of diagnosis. Is that wrong?
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